Blackmail: Battyman Pay Mi, or Else...

Blackmail. It's a word we don't use very often in Jamaican Creole, and I can't now think of an equivalent word or phrase. In detailing the struggles faced by gays and lesbians in Jamaica few would mention the threat of blackmail, but the Jamaican situation, marked with intolerance and repression, nourishes this kind of crime. 

A few months ago, one of my good friends from high school, we'll call him Michael, told me about how he was blackmailed. Like many Jamaican gays and lesbians he turned to the internet to try to find other queer Jamaicans. Michael happened across a popular chat-room in which one of the men took particular interest in him and hey eventually exchanged phone contact details. Through their phone conversations my friend became more trusting, and he mentioned casually what he was studying at a university and also the company he worked with. One day he was shocked when the tone and nature of the conversation changed. His online-buddy contacted an informant in the HR department of the company that he worked and uncovered his home address. This phone friend was not gay, and wanted to be compensated or else he would start telling people that Michael was gay. 

Michael was terrified. What if this guy went to the apartment and told all the neighbours? What if he went to the university and posted signs? What if people at the company were to find out, would he lose his job? Michael refused to answer any more calls from this guy, but then the texts came flowing in... characterized by stinging homophobic epithets, among death threats, and a reiteration of the price to be paid to keep the prospective informant quiet. The attacks continued for weeks, and would only come to an end after Michael contacted the telecommunications provider, explained that he was being harassed and asked that the number of the attacker be permanently blocked. 

The texts stopped coming. Michael breathed free. But he always considers that this unknown, malicious and opportunistic fiend knows where he lives, and could make another orchestrated attempt to corner him if her ever had the resources. 

Michael's experience is not unique. I'm sure many other Jamaican gays and lesbians have suffered this fate. Crimes like these will continue so long as people have to remain closeted. Now we have one more thing to fear, besides the wrath of our intolerant families, or communities. Fear and intimidation are bitches. In fact, what proof did this man have that Michael was gay, besides some cryptic online screen name, and maybe a few texts from telephone number he assigned the name Michael he wouldn't have much damning information. But the idea of being outed is paralyzing, and it was under the grips of this paralysis that Michael suffered for weeks. 

Online chat-rooms are not safe. You can never be assured of someone's purported identity, and should be careful about revealing personal details when using these media. 

Take care,

The Glass Closet + Gay Men in Jamaica

I recently discovered an interactive website, which explores how Jamaica’s cultural, political and religious traditions are making it harder for public health officials to control the spread of HIV/AIDS. The project is titled The Glass Closet. It puts faces to people living with AIDS, men who have sex with men, and the people who often risk their lives to provide services to these vulnerable communities.

"In Jamaica, strict anti-sodomy laws and often violently homophobic social currents have skewed the national HIV infection rates. While the general population’s infection rate is currently about 1.4%, the infection rate in the gay community is more than 20 times higher -- almost 32%."

The site has many videos and commentaries, and also offers a section for people around the world to share their stories about the impact of homophobia and stigma.

Here are some of the videos created for the project:

Gays in Jamaica Worship in Underground Church

Violence and Venom Forces Gays to Hide

Jamaica's Battle Against Aids Fought in the Shadows

Ida's Story: Reversing the Stigma of HIV/AIDS in Jamaica

Check out the site by clicking here.

Homophobia Boosts IQ's in Jamaica?

Could it be that Jamaica’s virulent homophobia is driving its gay teenagers to the top of academic rankings? The correlation between disenfranchisement and how driven one is academically is not immediately apparent; in fact, for people from indigent backgrounds, it is likely that on average, they will perform more poorly academically. This matrix does not seem to apply to effeminate gay men in Jamaica however, and I’ll explain why I believe so.

I was one of the top students in my high school. All of my close friends were doing exceptionally well, and among the five that are male, three are gay. Coincidence? Perhaps. In the grade below mine, the top student for four consecutive years (until he was forced to leave the school amidst rumours that he was gay and had had gay sex on campus) was very effeminate. I am desperately trying to reconnect with this young man today. I can’t speak to him identifying as gay, but he was definitely as effeminate as the rest of us who now identify as such.

I won a scholarship at the end of high school and was one of three men selected to study abroad. Of the three of us, two are gay. I have some friends who know both of us who used to joke that they only know gay Jamaican guys- the irony kills me. I know at least ten Jamaican men studying in America, half of them are gay.

I don’t know many people at UWI, but the few I know tell me that a significant proportion of the men there are gay. I have met a few myself, and they tell me about the large network of gay men of which they are a part. This never surprises me because I have had my theories for a while now. Now, there is a point beyond which this has to be recognized as more than coincidence.

If this is true, that gay men perform much better than straight ones on average, why is this so?

In Jamaica, it is not cool to be studious if you have a penis. You are called a sissy, gyal and a batiman- which are among the worst names you can call a Jamaican man. It shouldn’t be surprising then that the only boys who brave the onslaught of ridicule are the ones that are actually effeminate and are questioning their sexuality. Creating masculine men is a serious objective of Jamaican culture, and so those of us that exhibit feminine tendencies are reprimanded at every opportunity from a very young age. I lost count of how many times I was asked, “yaa gyal?” (“are you a girl?”) as a child. I was very close to my sister and would try on her dresses, and walk in her shoes. I would have gotten away with thinking this was normal, except for when my father came home and screamed at me to get out of my sister’s clothing. I never received dolls, but I would play with my sister’s, and we would design and make clothing for them. I knew I was different, because everyone told me I was so. I used to follow my brothers to the football field in the evening but I never had interest in playing. They would forcefully suggest that I join a team because supposedly, having a penis qualifies you to play football, and I would always embarrass myself. Then came the name-calling! When I went to school the teasing escalated tenfold.

Children want nothing more than to be accepted by their peers and it hurts when they cannot get the acceptance they seek. Now this is what I understand in retrospect: doing well academically is one of the surest ways to gain some respect in school. It is not always from peers, but adults are drawn to the star performers and they are very encouraging. How nice it was to be patted on the back and to hear, “good job”, or have your test score announced to the entire class.

In high school, people teased me relentlessly. One day, while participating in a science quiz in St. Catherine, someone who didn’t even know me called me a ‘he-she’ after I quipped that she was disrespectful when she said something vile about a friend of mine. For the entire day, her friends teased me. One of them later asked to see my fingernails. I asked why, and she said, “oh I was told you wear nail polish.” I showed her that I didn’t, and she remarked how strikingly clean they were for a guy. Aren’t they supposed to be clean, I asked back? One day, I was walking with a friend of mine, when a group of primary school students visiting my school shouted at me, “si di girly wan de!” (“Look, the effeminate one!”)- I had been on TVJ the night before.

It seems that only people who didn’t conform to gender stereotypes as children would have the opportunity to make the realization that they can gain some modicum of respect among their peers if they do well in school. More masculine males with homosexual proclivities never had to claw for respect, and so there was no extra motivation to do well academically. Beyond conforming to gender norms, by being good at sports, or dancing, there aren’t many ways to raise one’s social capital.

I am not suggesting that all effeminate boys make great students, because this is clearly not so. It is unmistakable though, that there are a disproportionate number of gay men doing well academically in Jamaica. Scientific studies suggest that gay men make up between 4 and 10 % of any given population, but I can promise you, in faith, that of all Jamaican men with stellar academic records, a greater proportion are gay than such statistics would suggest.

I want to do a survey of all the Jamaica men studying in America. I have a feeling my hypothesis holds true here too. Gay Jamaican men have a life-preserving imperative to leave the island, and getting a scholarship to study abroad is one of the less demanding ways to do so. Those who can’t find a way out before university seek out grad programs or jobs abroad after they complete their first degrees.

Isn’t it interesting? Jamaican popular culture is very homophobic. It hates gay people, and it wishes to eradicate them for the plague that it believes they are. Yet its very stance against gender non-conformity has pushed many gay men to the top of academic performance tables, and therefore in positions of power- maybe not politically, but otherwise. This is Jamaica’s big secret. Many of the sons of its soil whose achievements it celebrates are in fact same-gender loving. Who is going to tap Bruce’s shoulder and share this information? Little does he know, he might do well with some gay men in his cabinet. But then again, Gordon House is not known to attract the brightest minds.

The Inefficacy of American-led Boycotts Against Jamaican Homophobia

I have always been ambivalent about the renewed call for a boycott of Jamaica by North American gay-rights activists. Though I believe that inaction should never be an option, I am mindful of the complexity of the situation at hand, and know fully well that a boycott of Jamaican products and tourism will not be sufficient to make the social environment more tolerant of minority sexualities and genders. The question one must then ask is this, whose interests are being served by calls to boycott Jamaica? The evidence on hand suggests that gay and lesbian Jamaicans who lead lives shrouded in fear and shame are not always a primary concern. 

Over the last decade, different organizations have sustained an assault on Jamaican musicians, who sing lyrics they deem objectionable. Much of Dancehall music is indeed homophobic, as much as it is sexist, misogynistic, and murderous. But, it is important to acknowledge the cultural context which gives rise to such an abhorrent reality, and holistically consider feasible strategies to induce progressive change. I have noticed that some of the translations of music from Jamaican Creole to English muddle the meaning of words and phrases, by using literal and superficial interpretations.

In their Dancehall Dossier published a few years ago, Outrage! deliberately attempted to portray Dancehall music as hate speech, supported by poor translations and misleading texts. For example, the first line offered as unequivocal proof that one Jamaican artiste, Beenie Man, spouts hate speech, is from his song, An Op De (Throw Your Hands in the Air). The line in the promotional document reads:

“Hang lesbians with a long piece of rope.”

One would imagine that the song’s primary intent is a directive to kill lesbians by hanging, but further consideration of the lyrics in their entirely yields a different truth. In my analysis, two lines in the chorus stand out as being particularly homophobic:

“Ef yu bon batiman mek mi si di an a go op”

“Ang chichi gyal wid a lang piis a ruop”

Someone without an understanding of Jamaica’s sociolinguistic culture would translate these two lines in English as follows:

“If you burn homosexuals let me see your hands going up”

“Hang lesbians with a long piece of rope”

In the literal English that is reminiscent of the misinformed translations in the dossier, the chorus continues:

“Burn hypocrites, let me see the hands going up”

“Hang witch doctors with a long piece of rope”

Jamaican is a language coloured with many violent metaphors, perhaps a reflection of the high levels of physical violence and aggression that are permissible in the society. In the song, the same murderous regard is offered for ‘hypocrites,’ or ‘haters’ as they are better known in America, and for witch doctors, who in Jamaica are thought to possess the ability to thwart your potential for success, if someone commissions them to do so. The assumption would be that Jamaicans dislike witch doctors to the extent that they do lesbians, and are advocating for them to be hanged en masse, but this is not the reality. Obeah men are feared, even revered, and their services are much sought after. “Burn” and “Hang” are not meant literally; they are not proclamations of war against the groups named, but denunciations of those groups whose actions are an affront to personal growth, and heterosexual hegemony- both important aspects of the Jamaican psyche.

The advocacy group singles out and reduces the content of An Op De to one objectionable line from the song, then characterized the artiste and his music, as homophobic. Clearly, there is an unaknowledged complexity to the imperative to denounce homosexuality in Jamaican popular culture. There is no equivalent world for homosexuality in Jamaican Creole, so it is possible that the artiste is denouncing homosexuality, and not homosexuals as a group of individuals. A more culturally sensitive, translation of the first line of the chorus could read:

“If you disapprove of homosexual lifestyles, let me see your hands going up.

This clearly reads very differently than "burn homosexuals." Fi bon out sitn (to "burn" something or someone) is a spoken show of disapproval, or distaste. So Jamaicans "bon out" witnesses to crimes who testify in court (infaama); oral sex practitioners (pusi soka); and the covetous among us, who do not like seeing others prosper (ipokrit).

The belief in a homosexuality-free global African cultural traditions is very prominent in Jamaica. Thus homosexuality is viewed as a foreign-derived corruption. Homosexuality is widely regarded as morally reprehensible, and few would deny the religious nature of Jamaican society, and the pertinence of such beliefs. The activists are decrying the wanton proclamation of violence against homosexuals, but it is perceived that they are forcing immorality upon the nation, or otherwise, an enlightened ideology, which again is evocative of centuries old European imperialism.

We need to act decisively, and with exigency, but not with ignorance of Jamaican culture, and misguided, singular approaches to dealing with its unique manifestation of homophobia. American gay rights activists have a very important role to play in the offensive against entrenched conservative values, but their efforts will only be fruitful if it is coupled with advocacy efforts within Jamaica. Homosexual, like Hispanic or Italian, is an identity marker in America, but in Jamaica, it is regarded as a lifestyle choice, a behaviour, akin to smoking, or exercising. We need to mobilize support in Jamaica to educate people about what it means to gay or lesbian. It is not enough to tell god-fearing Jamaicans that their opinion of homosexuality is bigoted and wrong, because then, we become bigoted ourselves.

No one culture has the authority to dictate morality. We seek to educate, not intimidate, as that could result in an epic backlash of violent proportions. Jamaicans will surely defend the legitimacy of their cultural mores, however retrograde we perceive them to be. This is their sovereign right.

We know what needs to be done. Let us do it well.

Coming Out to My Mother

Coming out is never easy. I think we can all agree with this statement, no matter our personal experiences. I knew I had to tell my mother before I left Jamaica, but I was growing scared that this might never happen. We watched gay-themed movies; we had discussions about gender, and sexuality; I told her of my gay friends, but I couldn't say three simple words: I am gay.

Yesterday, I did it. She went silent, perfectly on cue. It didn't help that I said the words most bluntly, in a matter of fact tone (as I've said before, people deal with the news a lot better when you sound sorry for yourself, concede that what you are doing is wrong/immoral, and that you want to change). For the rest of the evening her brows remained knitted, concern etched into her face. "I want to talk about this," I said to her, but she wasn't ready. Today, I pushed her to tell me how she felt. Though I am familiar with all the concerns she raised, it was still hard to hear them from her. I keep forgetting I do not have the luxury of living in a country where gay issues are pertinent, and where parents are sensitive to the issues that their gay children face. I was caught off-guard.

God. Sin. Anal Sex. Blood. Gender Incompatibility. Childhood. Effeminacy. Nature v Nurture. Love. Fear. Disbelief. Shock. Tears.

She couldn't sleep last night, and probably wont tonight either.

Sometimes in life it is much easier to leave things unsaid. Today, I chose the difficult alternative, and said things my mother would rather not hear, despite her suspicions. I'm not sure how things will progress from here, but I believe her when she tells me that she doesn't love me any less. Perhaps now she is just torn between her loyalty to me, her son, and her pastor who tells her to rid her life of sin. I am sin walking, I suppose.

~*~*~

*Knowing how deeply immoral homosexuality is, I should never have chosen that lifestyle for myself.

This is the same woman whose sons have had multiple children out of wedlock, with multiple women. They have collectively screwed half the women in my Parish. I doubt she ever chided them for choosing an immoral lifestyle. But oh, fornication is not sinful.

*I made her feel bad about the event with her Bishop, where I was fondled. Luckily the ordeal was lessened by the prayers and bible scriptures he chanted simultaneously. She would be so embarrassed now, if she had ever confronted her Bishop.

Okay. So heterosexual people who are raped shouldn't get redress, because they are supposed to enjoy heterosexual sex? The man put his filthy hands on me!!! Whether I am gay or fucking straight, my mother should be furious!

* She is not condemning me, I am reassured. That is very comforting to me, having just gone through all the reasons why homosexuality is bad.

Forget that I have to live with the fact that "my choice" is the bane of the entire developing/ religious world's existence. Being a gay Jamaican is nice and dandy. I am so thankful that my mother is stopping just short of kicking me out.

I agree she is ignorant, but I would rather she try to understand, rather than recycle all the misinformed, homophobic garb that I have heard time and time again.

*Sodom and Gomorra? Really?!

I don't give a fuck at this point. I told the truth. Perhaps she would rather live in Utopia, where all her children are heterosexual, and are busy populating the earth with their many babies.

She wants to put her hands to her head and holler out, crying. Okay.

I'm being very insensitive here, but didn't she say she always surmised? It seems to me that her reaction should be, "what took you so long," as opposed to one of outrage. The Gleaner article on the characteristics of a gay teenager were very explicit, she says, and everyone in the house read and confirmed that I fit the bill perfectly. I sent her blood pressure skyrocketing. My apologies. There isn't really a good way to tell you I'm gay.

She used an interesting analogy to explain her reaction.

You know when you know you are sick, but you try to convince yourself you are fine... and then after a while the doctor makes a damning prognosis that you don't want to hear: You have cancer, and but a few months left to live.

I'm not sure if the cancer is a pun for my malignant homosexuality.

I am angry. People are stupid. Instead of pulling people closer, they push them away. I don't fancy being regarded as a casualty of North American attitudes, and an imperfect son, because I know there is nothing wrong with me.

I am convinced that people can project negativity on you. I come to Jamaica and I morph in to this self-concious, fearful, self-hating version of myself. In the house now, I am battling a melange of feelings ranging from, resentment, to regret, to guilt and sorrow. I can't be surrounded by this.

Thankfully, I am just days from freedom.

~*~*~

When she returns she comes to the room with tears in her eyes. My sibling asks her what is wrong- if she is still troubled by what I told her.

Yes. She hasn't been able to sleep for the last few days. Every minute she thinks on it, and she breaks down crying. The way she is feeling now, she wished I never said anything. Then she said the words I never wanted to hear. It's the kind of stuff you hear in movies- the kind of thing that you know no gay child should ever hear: I do not now, and will never accept that you are gay.

*"What of every man, like you, decided to be this way (she can't quite say the word gay/ battyman), what would happen to humanity?"

Ammm, ok. People tend to ask this a lot. That statement is based on the premise that people can "turn" gay. This is simply not so. Homosexuals have always existed, and if they never undermined population growth before, they surely wont now. Everyone wont "turn" gay. The majority of people are predisposed (for whatever host of reasons) to be heterosexual.

My sibling tried to respond to her ridiculous question (I'm being harsh, yes, but I really do hold my mom to higher intellectual standards), and by this time I was so frustrated that I flew past her and ran out of the house. According to her, nothing I say or do will justify my "behaviour", so I saved my breath.

~*~*~

I watched the film Boys Don't Cry with my mom a few months ago, so we could have some serious conversation about gender, and sexuality. That obviously didn't work too well, because now she swears that I want to be a girl. "He doesn't walk like a boy", she says to my sister. "And look at the way he dances!" Okay. I have a penis, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I am ultra-masculine, and it doesn't mean that I like girls. There are variations of human gender identity and sexuality. I thought watching and discussing the key issues in the film would make that clear, and I thought she understood, but I guess everything changes when the subject of such discussions is your own child- well, apparently.

Anyway, I still tried to reach out to her before I left the island. The day before I left, I begged her to watch the film For The Bible Tells Me So. We started watching, and then she fell asleep. I woke her up, but in another minute, her eyes were closed. I grew so frustrated. I'm trying to make this woman understand me, even if from a perspective, which affirms some of her own biases (some of the families still think homosexuality is morally reprehensible), but she wouldn't even try. When she woke up after I walked away, she ended up staying up for the entire night. I guess she wasn't that tired.

The next morning, as I packed to leave, she asked if I could leave her a did of the documentary. I couldn't.

So I left the island, with a huge unresolved issue behind, but I am very glad the big secret is out. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

I'm sure she will come around eventually. I'm sure she doesn't mean it when she says, "If I wasn't a Christian, I would beat you with a broom-stick and kick you out of my house." After all, I am still her baby.

Gay in Kingston, Jamaica

I spent a few days in Kingston, and what a blast it was! I identified more gay men in Kingston in three days, than all my life in rural Jamaica. I stepped off the bus from my parish, and my mentality changed. I wasn't alone; I knew it. Before long, my vision of urban utopia was jarred when a group of young men spoke loudly, just after passing them, that I am surely a homosexual. I continued on my merry way, as I don't yet have the courage to stare homophobes in their eyes and actively acknowledge their hateful words.

Besides seeing many gay men walk by me in the streets, I spent some quality time with two gay friends of mine. One of them shares an apartment with another gay guy, who had two gay friends over. My friend's boyfriend had also planned to visit. 5 Jamaican gay men sharing the same space. I was too excited! It is different in America, because the experience that gay men have coming to terms with their sexualities is so diverse. Here though, I feel such empathy for my gay brothers, because I am fully aware of what each of us must face each time we leave the comfort of our homes and walk into the public sphere. It was nice to see gay men fraternizing, completely at ease and comfortable with themselves.

The day I returned home, I sat in a mall reading a book when a handsome young man, who I believed was gay, walked by me. I couldn't help but stare. Not long after, I followed in his direction, as I had to head to the bus stop. I walked by him, as he stood near the staircase with two other friends. As I passed, one of them hissed, "gunshot for a boy." I shook my head, mystified. How could a gay man say such ugly words to another? Both of us have to live in the same fucked up world, and perpetuating homo-hatred will do nothing to serve our best interests. I was very tempted to turn around and stare into his eyes this time, but alas, the thought came too late.

I can definitely see myself spending more time in Kingston. It's the most "real" I will ever be in Jamaica. It's the only place i've been able to gain some anonymity. I guess anonymity is an important factor to living without constant fear for the worse.

____________

I came out to my mother last week. It didn't go too well. More on that soon.

Preteen Lesbians on a Jamaican School Bus

I was on a school trip recently, with about 40 pre-teens. At lunch, one girl ran off crying and the students were abuzz with apprehension. One student came to us (myself and a close friend of mine) and whispered, "Miss a because Miss Audrey call her lesbian." (Miss Audrey is one of the permanent employees of the school). Immediately, the only other permanent employee rushed over to her co-worker's defense, failing at her attempt to deflect blame to the children. It was more than obvious to me that she was merely trying to save her own ass. This is the story she told:

Rishanna and Monique were sitting together for the entire bus ride. Rishanna had her arms around Moniques waist, with her hands "down there". So Miss Audrey told her to sit properly, or change seats because that kind of behaviour is not appropriate. The students know that if the principal was here on the trip that they could only hug around the shoulders. (Ammmm, ok). So then when the inappropriate behaviour persisted, Miss Audrey told her fi lego di pikni because they are not simese... and then Miss Audrey stuttered, and a student shouted out LESBIAN. Then comes Miss Audrey. "I did not say that. I would never say that word. The children are liars."

Now if it's one thing I have learnt from working with Jamaican children is that they do not lie without ample reason. They are extremely frank, and blunt, and will say whatever is on their minds. Tishina, one of our most industrious students came to us afterwards and said, "Miss (they call me Miss, by the way) I will swear on the cross that dem call Rishanna lesbian." I believed her. The confirmation that Miss Audrey had referred to a pre-teen as a lesbian wasn't from Tishina, however, it was from Miss Audrey herself. While defending herself poorly (I didn't buy a second of it), she said at the end "she lives with her aunty who is a lesbian and she does anything around Tishina, so I know Tishina will do those things!" This is when I almost exploded. She did not just say that. Right?

I said to my friend, I think I am going to withhold my tongue on this one. My friend agreed. I walked away. My close friends then had a talk with all the students about not calling other people names, and not being concerned about sex and sexualities, because they were too young. She comforted Tishina, and told her she could hug her friends however she'd like to.

Can you imagine? You see two pre-teen girls hugging around the waist- two boys, and that would be something else- and you immediately assume that their friendship must be sexual? Are we so afraid of homosexuality that we must curtail homosexual physical contact on the whole from that stage? Paranoia I tell you. Miss Audrey and her colleage were absolutely "outavaada". They should feel lucky I said nothing to them.

Nobody Asks to Fight in this Battle

I hate feeling like this. Every time I am reminded of the hurdles I face coming out to the world, I fall into a state of despondency.

Yesterday I visited the home of one of my cousins. He committed suicide in 2002, or so we believe, based on the evidence available to us. I was just 13 then, and had never met him before (he visited the house for dinner years earlier, but I cannot remember). At the time, allegations loomed that he was gay. A drop dead gorgeous young man (I dug through albums to find pictures of him), it is believed that he was often beaten by his male lover- I’ll leave the evaluation of why such abuses often continue unabated in gay relationships, when societies are still hostile towards gay men. For whatever reasons, he stayed in the abusive relationship, until he took his life. He was found hanging from a rope in his home; his naked body swinging gently, suspended from a wooden post in his bedroom.

He was just 25 years old. I imagined what it would have been like to visit the house with him there… acknowledging our common plight in a hostile world that hates us, and conversing about our varied experiences as gay Jamaicans. This, however, was not to be. Each time my father described him as a “batiman” my heart sunk, and a feeling of wretchedness welled up inside me. I'm not sure how long it will take for me to be comfortable using that word to describe myself.

This feeling hasn’t left me. I feel as though I am unarmed for the battle I must soon fight. I’m prepared to lose people along the way, but that does not make the unfortunate reality any less painful.

I’m going to rest my weary soul. My gumption has temporarily evaporated.

My Boyfriend is Gay: Ragashanti

I was listening to Ragashanti this morning, and I was fortunate enough fi kech the conversation just when a woman called to talk about her experience with someone on the DL. Her story was quite moving, especially at the climax when she catches her boyfriend having sex with his best friend. She wept as she remembered the ordeal. Her story is very typical: woman loves man dearly. Believes with her heart man is faithful to her and committed to lifelong relationship. They have a child. Woman comes home and hears man having sex with someone. Opens door and is shocked to find him with his best friend. Man cries that he is not really gay. Man emphasized that he is the top- as she witnessed. Woman is embarrassed, and feels inadequate. Woman leaves man.

In this story though, the plot thickened. The man seems to have stayed with his boyfriend, who died two years after the incident- from AIDS. The man calls the woman to inform her of his misfortune- losing a loved one- and begs her forgiveness. Even more, he also has AIDS and has no one else to turn to... He begs her fi tek im bak. This woman, having a heart of gold, decides to take him back and care for him. I salute her courage and kindness.

Raga then went on a rampage about the despicable act of gay men dating women, for the reason that the deceit inherent in such action is most selfish. I agree. He clarified that people who are gay will always be gay, and that the idea that we can convert gay people should be scrapped. Thank you Raga. I was still somewhat disappointed with his evaluation of the situation, however. Surely it is understandable that gay men in Jamaica will enter into heterosexual unions to deflect questions regarding their (homo)sexuality. It is not excusable behavior, because people get hurt, but it is clear that the homophobic situation in Jamaica dictates that such eventualities will be commonplace. I would have liked him to acknowledge this reality.

Cheating is bad, no matter the sexual exploits of the cheater. Deceiving a partner in such a malicious way should be frowned upon no matter the circumstances. I can now imagine that many are saying, "A so battyman carry AIDS come ina people house all the time." And if that is all we can learn from this woman's experience, then we learnt very little. I am still glad she was brave enough to share her story with Jamaica this morning. While it is true that it portrayed gay men very negatively, we are no longer invisible.

Combating Homophobia in Schools

This is an extract from an an essay about homophobia in American schools.

Enshrining protection for LGBT youth:
A herculean fight against institutionalized heterosexism and homophobia

“Homosexuality is a sin against mankind; pure evil and wickedness!” “The gay agenda in public education must be squashed at all costs!” These and other similar sentiments colour the viewpoints of the strident opposition, which confronts every effort to introduce LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender) issues into the curricula of American schools. Recurrently, studies show that the experiences of children and adolescents in school directly affect their achievements and general outcomes as adults. It is disconcerting then, to note that throughout the last two decades, right wing, religious conservatives have successfully worked to inflame public prejudices against queer individuals, in an effort to impede the introduction of content regarding LGBT issues in school curricula. This has been to the detriment of queer youth, who suffer an indeterminable amount of harm from verbal and physical harassment. The statistics regarding the challenges faced by these ‘at risk’ youth are compelling and are bolstered by additional studies, which point to widespread heteronormativity, and homophobia in school environments. A survey conducted by the campaigning and lobbying group Stonewall, indicated that teachers were the occupational group who found it most difficult to be open about their sexuality in the workplace. In a pressing effort to mitigate the destructive impacts of institutionalized homophobia , school policies must be reformed to ensure that schools can guarantee every child’s safety, and their attainment of emotional, physical, and educational wellbeing. There is no easy way to achieve this. In this essay, the two main approaches to reform, through platforms of “multiculturalism” and “public health awareness” will be carefully examined, with the premise that, though they are far from unproblematic, they go a far way in advancing the interests of the many disenfranchised LGBT students. Achieving legislative protection for queer pupils will necessitate overcoming heterosexual hegemony, and the homophobia with which it functions simultaneously; this is primarily a battle between queer activists and evangelicals, but it is education policymakers who ultimately need to be convinced.

The homophile movement has come a long was since the founding of the Mattachine Society in 1950. The increased visibility of queer America is undoubtedly attributable to the hard work or advocates in that movement, who have worked to fashion a place queer individuals in the history of America. In a further bid to legitimize the existence of queer people in society, public education has taken its place alongside domestic partnerships initiatives, as a key site for lesbian and gay social reform. The demands of activists, who have long challenged schools to address acts of individual and institutional discrimination against lesbian and gay students and teachers, must be met with exigency. Importantly, the influence of the religious right must never be underestimated; they notoriously mobilize immense public support against pro- (homo) sexuality education by inflaming public fears about an indoctrinating gay agenda, and the potential for molestation of their children by homosexual perverts- considered a redundancy for some. Opponents have created pedagogical videos to advance their own agenda, such as The Gay Agenda, and The Gay Agenda in Public Education. These propagandist videos serve to incense public ignorance, and thwart efforts to create a safe environment for queer identified youth in the school system. These videos cast homosexuals as depraved and diseased individuals who die young, and are clearly designed to sway an uninformed public to oppose lesbian and gay rights and educational reform initiatives. It is imperative that queer advocacy groups work closely with communities to clarify the nature of the desired policy changes, in allaying their fears that one could ever seduce someone into becoming homosexual. The bottom line remains, that no one should ever have to fear going to school because of their sexual orientation, or perceived deviation form normative values.

School administrators must build a culture of tolerance, which leans towards the multicultural approach to policy changes, however problematic. More germane to the larger goal however, it seems best to illustrate the challenges faced by queer youth in academic institutions; this approach may circumvent personal prejudices against queer lifestyles, and instead strike at the humanity of people. Still, given the problems inherent in both the “multicultural” and the “public heath” approaches to educational reform, there is no unproblematic means of achieving the necessary changes. Irvine asks a question that is worth considering: Is it the case that some critics would oppose school reforms no matter what elegant conceptual frameworks might be crafted? I am inclined to answer that question affirmatively, sensing that the conservative right will not relent in its efforts to sustain heterosexual hegemony, despite the apparent negative consequences on queer youth. Regardless, the plight of queer youth across America, who in many places are not guaranteed protection from harassment, because of their sexual orientation or gender identity, demands that pro-sexuality education advocates are equally indefatigable in their efforts. History has shown that political backlash is an inevitable response to the advancement of queer rights in America, and must never become a deterrent against continued advocacy.

Day of Silence

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What if it were SAFER to be SILENT?

Nearly 9 out of 10 LGBTQ students report verbal, sexual or physical harassment at school.

The Day of Silence is a national, student-led action to raise awareness of the discrimination, harassment, and abuse -- in effect, the SILENCING -- that lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer people and their allies face daily. Join students on your college campus in creating safer schools for all, regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity or gender expression.

TODAY, for part or whole of the day, take a VOW OF SILENCE

Think about the voices you are not hearing

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In Jamaica, innumerable young men are bullied by their peers, who constantly remind them of how "dem gwaan like gyal." These individuals have no one to turn to, for even their families are unsympathetic to their situations. Reform is but a necessary means to a heterosexual end. Because of this, Jamaican homosexual youth must learn to negate their identitties at a very young age, internalizing the homophobia that is a fixed part of their daily lives, and consequently hate themselves. I remember many effeminate boys while I was in high school, and I was empathetic towards their realities, for I knew they suffered as much as I did. Still, we never spoke of our mutual challenges. I now know one of those individuals to be gay, and he recently told me that he once thought of killing himself.

I though of suicide too- a permanent means to escape the hell into which I was born. Most disconcerting, was the fact that I never identified as a homosexual, I was just perceived to be one. I knew it wasn't an option in Jamaica, so I never thought of it... I was heterosexual, of course. Still, the taunts were worse than a plague of locusts, for they stung relentlessly, without seasonality. It was my life... I spent many lonely days by the beach, wishing I never had to retun home; wishing I never had to go back to school. Everyone knew me as the "girly boy", and no matter how hard I sought to shed that descriptor, it followed me always.

I look back on those times, and I remember the pain I felt everyday. Born with an affliction that I could never be rid of... that I could never seek counsel on. How many more Jamaican boys face such challenges? Surely, there is a boy out there like me, searching for answers as to why he was born into a world which does not respect him for who he is as an individual. The Jamaican Christian God has no answers.

For all you silenced Jamaican youth, today I commit to an hour of silence in your honour. You may not be able to speak out for yourself, but my heart screams out for you.

Documentary: For the Bible Tells Me So

Can religious belief and homosexuality be reconciled? Without a doubt one of the most moving films I have ever watched- but then again, I am biased, so you decide. I recently bought a copy of the DVD for my mother.

I Can't Have A Gay Friend

If you are a homosexual, it is not uncommon for people to express their disgust with your "choice" and demand an explanation for your "decision" to live immorally. I have had many such conversations, the last of which I would like to share with you.

There is only one Jamaican, (besides my sister and other homosexual men) who I have trusted enough to tell of my sexuality. He decided to inform me of how disgusted he is by my lifestyle, and the following is a conversation we had.

He says:

I contempleted should I send this msg or not................... but since u always seem to want to talk about it (despite my efforts not to)..........

I think homosexuality is, beyond a reasonable doubt, wrong and should not be encouraged!! It is disgusting, immoral and downright nasty and should be looked down upon!!!

I don't understand how someone (well...you) can think that it is 'okay' or should be 'accepted' or that nothing is wrong with it!!
Biblical teachings lash out against it!!
I understand that you might not have any religious affiliations..... but look at nature.... look at the natural order of things!! How can you sit there and tell me that nothing is wrong with a same sex relationships????
A man and a woman have intercourse....a baby result....(something productive)
gay or lesbian couple....nothing....(unproductive)....

I just can't see how you cannot see anything wrong with it and at the same time try to defend it!!

I might could sympathize with you if...for example......you were to say that you think it's wrong but u can't help but feel the way you do..... like the girl at my last job.............. but with you...... you just think it is right! It is normal! It is healthy! It should be legal! I heard that JLP is working on legislating that buggery...(if caught) equates to life sentence (which might be 25 years or actual life)...... and how Canada is going to withdraw from out tourism market should it become official... so what??? Canada only contributes like 2% there about to Toursim........... so I don't see why Canada behaving that way.... besides....what we choose to do in our country is our decision.......

To show you how disgusted I am with it.....a part of me wants to stop talking to you, doesn't want to be near you or even see you....
At the same time..... I'm thinking..... I've known you for so long, etc (all that sentimental crap).....
The latter part might supress the former part....but that still doesn't change the fact that it's still there.....
the next time someone avoids engaging in gay convos...... remember that there might be a possibility that the person doesn't want to offend you.....

Take what happened with [Natalie] for example............ maybe I should have followed her............ just not reply...

My response:

Note carefully, I am not angry…I am very calm, and all my messages should be read with that in mind. I am not looking to argue, for evidently you don’t value homophile arguments, and so pay little attention to the value in them.

Also, this is my last bid to get you to understand me- not agree with, but understand me. You said you don’t understand how someone could think there is nothing wrong with homosexuality---which is a huge slap in the face to me, having poured my heart out on this matter for months. Bot iz aarait.

In order to be as thorough as possible, I will respond to each of you claims chronologically. I will then end with an idea proposed by Jean Paul Sartre in his Etymology of Hate- The Antisemite and the Jew.

I don’t want to always talk about homosexuality. And further, choosing not to talk about it solves nothing. I’m done wasting my breath trying on futile arguments. This started again a few days ago when [Natalie] said it’s a good thing homosexuality is not accepted in Jamaica. I was put off by her statement, not because I am homosexual, but because I know, personally, how our disdain for homosexuals is manifested in society. I don’t think either of you read the statement I made afterwards…she said she still doesn’t condone homosexuality, and you said you agreed. Both of you completely missed the point. I don’t care if you think it’s immoral, that’s your business. No, I am not trying to gain your approval- I stopped trying to please people a looong time ago. But I wanted you both to consider the manifestation of Jamaican homophobia, that are eating away (that’s an understatement--- it a chaa chaa we) at our nation’s social fabric.

I will reproduce that message below--- and please, consider it as words from a humanist, not a homosexual. My sexuality does not define all my thought processes mind you.

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“The Jamaican culture is not open to "certain things"

But conspicuously, it is open to marginalizing the voice of iconoclasts and punishing violently anyone who dares challenge the patriarchy and heteronormativity which pervades the nation's psyche.

It is not open to certain things...and how wonderful that is...

for now those who suffer have no means of redress...no chance to live without fear...no chance to love... but that's okay because it is just them- as opposed to us, and our problems.

It amazes me sometimes how we can extricate ourselves from oppressive realities.

Jamaican homophobia is never a good thing. I was ridiculed everyday of my life for not being the ultra-masculine Jamaican we are supposed to be... I walk down the streets of Ocho Rios today and people shout, look at how he walks, him a wan a dem...and I wait...I wait for someone to suggest that I be beaten. Luckily that has not yet transpired... and for what? Because I don't walk and limp...and because I clearly spent too much time preening myself for people in Ocho Rios- real men don't do that.

One of my very good friends attempted to commit suicide...because he could stand being taunted about being gay...he never self identified as gay (no one in Jamaica does, or can for that matter)--- he was effeminate. And effeminacy is never a good thing...because everyone is the same...and everyone with a penis should behave the same...just as how everyone with a vagina needs to be able to wash, cook and clean, while raising the children to whom they gave birth. God forbid someone should try to challenge the constructed gender binary which has been normalized in Jamaican society.

It's easy to turn a blind eye to the heathens who populate the earth...but people are suffering, and that is never a good thing.

I'm not even talking about homosexuality...disagreeing with it is one thing, but Jthe manifestations of amaican homophobia are ridiculous. Effeminacy is not a vice...and it does not equate to homosexuality, yet people are made to feel inferior for it. Fathers don't hug their sons or tell them that they love them... people who experiment when younger, as most children do, are made to feel dirty...sexuality is natural- we seem to have forgotten that in our bid to demonize certain expressions of it.

These things bother me...

It is perfectly understandable that you do not "condone" homosexuality. (Condone? That sounds like a moral judgment, which I do not believe anyone has the jurisdiction to make. You don't believe in it, don't do it. Telling me that you don't believe in it, and then that I am immoral because I am it, are different things.”

So back to your first comment--- I do not like talking about homosexuality- clearly it’s a very divisive issue. But I feel compelled to defend those without a voice in Jamaica, who suffer for being thought to be gay---they aren’t even gay!!!!! I had no voice growing up…I lived trying to change…I never felt loved…or respected, and I hated my life…why? Because men shouldn’t act like girls. How can I not speak out on such issues? Instead you chastise me for standing up for gays, which is not what I was doing- and that was very clear…still you both decided to misconstrue what I said--- reducing the concerns I raised to, “you just want to defend your nasty ways.” Not true [Bryan].

Your next comment is particularly shocking, and hard to digest.

“I think homosexuality is, beyond a reasonable doubt, wrong and should not be encouraged!! It is disgusting, immoral and downright nasty and should be looked down upon!!!”

You qualified your first comment with “I think”; you should have done the same for the second. That is how YOU feel, and you are entitled to your opinion. I hasten to remind you however that your view is steeped in Christian morality, that some interpret very differently, and others don’t value at all. If by, “It should not be encouraged” you mean that people should be ridiculed, beaten, stabbed and murdered for being gay, as an example for everyone who dared flaunt such despicable behaviors, then [Bryan] I am really sorry you feel that way. If I’m lucky I’ll get a taste of what I am asking for when I go back- except, I wont be caught with a man---someone will just note how "mi look like wan a dem"…and mobilize a group of attackers to punish me for my shameless transgressions.

I never thought you were gay because you made gay jokes…that’s preposterous. That view is far too simplistic [Bryan]- an yu nuo mi beta dan dat. I always had an attraction for men growing up. I ignored it, because it was frowned upon…I liked girls, but then I didn’t have much of a choice. There is no alternative to heterosexual sex in Jamaica. (…and why should there be? Well….because there are people with homosexual inclinations, who end up getting married to women but then cheat on with men… not nice is it?) Looking back on my life, there were too men I knew well who endured similar experiences of being ridiculed for being effeminate…you and [Jack]. I am gay…[Jack] might be gay…and so I naturally though of you… not in a bid to "corrupt" your morality….not in a bid to convince you that it was morally right---for clearly you believe in God, and your branch of Christianity preaches that homosexuality is a sin…just like lying….just like fornication- which you seem a lot less concerned about decrying.

Next:

“I don't understand how someone (well...you) can think that it is 'okay' or should be 'accepted' or that nothing is wrong with it!! Biblical teachings lashes out against it!!”

[Bryan] why do you have to understand? This is how I feel, this is what I want….and no matter how nasty you think it is, that is my sexuality. I want you to love and accept me for who I am--- all of me, without judging my actions. I thought your bible had said that he who is without sin should cast the first stone. My sinless brother, you stopped casting stones a long time ago- a rak yaa fling now!

The bible lashes out against homosexuality, yes- but your Jesus also preaches love and acceptance--- is the sin of homosexuality so great that I don’t even deserve to be considered a fully functioning and valuable human being? The bible… our great upholder of patriarchy, and past defender of slavery. The bible clearly establishes that men are the head of households….men are the boss…yet such ideas would be laughed at in modern societies. One could never suggest that women are inferior to men in any way--- yet this is a deviation from biblical teachings…

If we were to follow everything that bible of yours says… this world would be a very different place. We would be stoning people in the streets for being gay (Which we do), cutting out the tongues of liars, and severing the hands of thieves. Who knows, maybe that’s a better society to live in. In any case the moral arguments you make against homosexuality simply do not hold up to intellectual scrutiny. It is evident that the few bible verses which mention homosexual conduct have been interpreted out of their context, in a bid to disenfranchise gays from societies, in satisfying your own bigoted view of sexuality and gender identity. You have been lied to by your religious teachers, and it is time you educate yourself further. I recommend the documentary "For the Bible tells me so".

"Then you continued “but look at nature.... look at the natural order of things!! How can you sit there and tell me that nothing is wrong with a same sex relationships????”"

Oh the old biological determinist view… animals aren’t gay and therefore humans shouldn’t be. First of all, even if there were homosexual tendencies in animals, it would be hard to observe it--- I haven’t done much research on this but I remember seeing male dogs humping each other---it happens!

Next, I don’t want to have babies! And you know what, the world doesn’t need anymore either. Homosexuals will not challenge or undermine the continuation of or species, because most people are straight…so what do you want me to do? Fuck a girl and get a baby? “Prove” my masculinity? Save our species from dying out? Same sex relationships are only seen as wrong because of our construction of heterosexual hegemony. In centuries gone by homosexuality was revered, and homosexuals were not stigmatized and demonized as they are now. I didn’t choose this [Bryan]…so even if there was something inherently wrong with homosexuality, there is nothing I could do about it---unless you’d rather see me lie to a woman and bring a child into the world. I’m not stupid! It is not easy to be a homosexual in our heteronormative societies…and if I could choose differently, I would. Trust me, I tried----for 18 years of my life. Just because most people are straight (which is suspect, because most people have no choice but to be “straight”- is not as if people are allowed to explore their sexualities) doesn’t mean everyone who is not is disgusting and immoral and wrong… That same premise was used to demonize and kill blacks…Jews… gypsies and countless other minority groups… we have grown past this majority is right mentality- except with homosexuals.

How could I sit here and defend homosexuality [Bryan]? Because I hate injustice…I hate hypocrisy…I hate discrimination…I hate neglect…I hate suffering.

"I might be able to sympathize with you if...for example......you were to say that you think it's wrong but u can't help but feel the way you do..... like the girl at my last job.............. but with you...... you just think it is right! It is normal! It is healthy!"

Don’t even try to empathize with me, because you cannot. You have no clue what it is to be part of a marginalized class, which must perpetually remain fearful of attack by people who disagree with your choices. You have no clue what it is like to wake up every morning asking why you were born in the wrong country…why no one understands you….why you cant be open about yourself to people you meet and why you have to grow distrustful of everyone you meet because they might be the one to tell of your secret and get you killed…for coming out only serves to further marginalize you…

You have NO clue about any of these things, because you are heterosexual…you are normal, ordinary, good…but I am a freak of nature, an immoral atheist who should be rid of his homosexuality at all costs. Ostracize him you say, for he will then learn his lesson and change for the better.

Don’t… I don’t need your pity…so end all efforts now…your empathy means nothing to me…because there still remains 6 billion people like you in the world who would rather I internalize all the hatred thrown at me, and start hating myself. I wont do that…I will not commit suicide, like may others before me, to escape the misery I was born in.

There is nothing wrong with me! Nothing! I do not think anything is wrong with homosexuality, and yes, I do not need to “help” the way I feel. I am not the coward at your last job who doesn’t have the strength to stand up against heterosexual hegemony- so your comparison is misplaced. How self affirming it must be to hear a gay person say they hate themselves---that the are ashamed of their feelings…that they want to change. Well you will never hear that from me. And still, despite what you are implying of me, I am normal [Bryan]. No less “normal” than you…

Now about the legality of homosexuality. You, like or government refuse to differentiate between legislation and morality. Our government is not there to declare what is morally right or wrong…they have no rights to make laws to govern what adults consent to doing in their bedrooms and the buggery law should not be there! Removing in would not mean that homosexuality is legalized…obviously….and it wouldn’t mean that more homosexuals would spring up from the immoral underbellies of our God fearing nation--- but it would remove this notion of second class citizenship, which is conferred upon anyone who is queer. Call the police because I am getting beaten…why? They’re just going to beat you too. Don’t even attempt to walk the streets of the country of your birth, because we will know you are gay, and we will kill you. Oh gee thanks! Tropical paradise this is indeed. The purpose of a government is to mandate laws that protect the interests of all its citizens! Unfortunately….I am not one of them.
And by the way you are mistaken about the amendment to the sex offenders bill being discussed in parliament now. (I read the print media every day so I follow these things keenly). They are seeking to effect that punishment for buggery when it is done in the context of abuse/ rape. I agree completely with that law. At least now the government has the guts to even mention male/ male sex in the law books--- the interests of men are now rising to the fore, albeit inadequately. So sorry to disappoint you, but I will still only be put in prison for 10 years if I am caught having sex with the love of my life.

Canada cares because people are suffering. It’s so amazing to hear you talk about how what we do in Jamaica is our business. We haven’t done a very good job of taking care of our business, because we talk about homosexuals as if they are foreigners looking to go to Jamaica to sun-tan on our wretched beaches. THERE ARE HOMOSEXUALS IN JAMAICA- and the civilized world is tired of seeing them living in fear…and being mutilated by the barbarous hands of ignorant Jamaicans! So repealing the law means more than just “bowing” to external pressure! It means that homosexuals in Jamaica will feel confident that there is redress of ever they are threatened by people who think like you! Is that too much to ask? Apparently…because we are not human.

Your short-sightedness is comical…. the rate of increase in American tourists to Jamaica isdecreasing… but Canadian tourism arrivals have been increasing. That occurrence has offset any dramatic dips in tourism arrivals as a result of the global economic crisis. Canada contributes more than just 2 % to tourism- almost 25 % now actually, and any serious policy by their government to decrease tourism to Jamaica, will have adverse effects. Oh but that is okay right? So long as Jamaica stands up for “morality” (I clearly have none)….so long as Jamaica continues to trample on the right of one marginalized group. That’s a dignified position to hold right there.

"To show you how disgusted I am of it.....a part of me wants to stop talking to you, doesn't want to be near you or even see you....At the same time..... I'm thinking..... I've known you for so long, etc (all that sentimental crap)....."

Sentimental crap? If our relationship means little to you, then stop fighting the urge [Bryan] if you so desire. It wouldn’t be the first, and it wouldn’t be the last time someone turned their back onme because they “couldn’t understand”. You are clearly crossing many of you moral boundaries to be my friend…and perhaps, as you have implied, it isn’t worth it. I never realized I could be that repulsive…

"the next time someone avoids engaging in gay convos...... remember that there might be a possibility that the person doesn't want to offend you....."

Or according to Jean Paul Sartre, they may just be afraid of being proven wrong. He argued very convincingly in his book about hatred, that the person who hates becomes consumed by his hate---he exudes his hate. He refuses to discuss why he hates, and as a matter of fact has hardened himself to arguing about his hatred. His mind becomes impervious, and he is affirmed in his beliefs. Way to take the high road bro. It’s not because you don’t want to offend me…because it is possible to argue about homosexuality without offending someone…without telling them you consider them to be disgusting (a feeling of revulsion or profound disapproval aroused by something unpleasant or offensive). I have discussions about this matter all the time…but it’s only when talking to people from home that these sentiments are expressed. Your inability to “understand” and “accept” me is offensive enough… so don’t worry about offending me.

Why can’t you see that it is possible to believe that something is immoral without casting dismissive judgements about someone, and hating them for it? I mean, if you think your homophobia justifies that you do not have anything to do with openly gay people, then that’s your decision to make. It is a decision that would break my heart, but I would live.

"Take what happened with [Natalie] for example............ maybe I should have followed [Natalie] ............ just not reply..."

She didn’t reply, and I was so disappointed. [Natalie] never said, Pikni I think it is morally wrong, but we should be careful not to judge, or encourage acts of violence against these individuals in Jamaica...

But she did remember to say- I do not condone homosexuality in any way shape or form--- just a reminder in case I forgot? Mi no nuo we unu tek mi fa.

When I pour my heart out on something…I hope for an equally heartfelt response. I wasn’t trying to defend homosexuality in that message, I was speaking out against violence, in any shape or form. Apparently, she disagreed.

I have heard your arguments…you have heard mine. Let it rest- please. I can’t do this anymore...and I don’t need to do this anymore. I am happy---truly happy for the first time in my life… I don’t have to go back home…I don’t have to listen to how immoral and sinful I am…I can finally start to live, and love, without fear.
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You know someone for 14 years, yet still it must come to this. Sad.