Sunday, October 4, 2009

Failed Exorcism

It's been far too long. Classes have long started, and I am drowning in the sea of academia. I took a look at my blog today, and the desire to share my recent experiences was too compelling for me to resist.

Very little has happened since I left purgatory almost one month ago. My mother is working tirelessly to find a cure for my diseased mind and body. I am indifferent. She is confident that I never left Jamaican "this" way, when I set sail on a journey of self discovery three years ago. I was corrupted by blasphemous liberal ideology, and now she wants her son back. She has enlisted the help of pastors, doctors and close friends, to help her find a solution to this pernicious evil devouring her heart. I must be purged of the demons that lie within me, lest she loses me forever. She prays constantly, beseeching God to do what she herself cannot manage to accomplish from thousands of miles way.

This is so frustrating. She is putting up every barrier imaginable to thwart my efforts to help her come to terms with what I am sure is a very difficult reality. She doesn't want to understand. She wants nothing more but for me to apologize for my sexual identity. She innocently asks me how classes are going, while she schemes wickedly against me.

Life goes on. I was convinced of this fact when I decided to drop the bomb. Now it's time for the slow and painful period of reconciliation and healing.

I have made great efforts to integrate myself into the school's LGBTQ support system. My efforts haven't been enormously successful, but I am learning to revel in the marginal advances made each day. I am more self-aware and self-confident than ever before.

I love myself. I love and appreciate the people around me. I love being happy.

Keep well, and love yourself always.



  1. This sounds SO much like my life when I was dragged out of the closet...sorry to say this, but you may have to put your relationship with your aside for a while...

  2. She sounds like my mother, except she wouldn't tell anyone. She's too ashamed of it and believes it is a family matter to be dealt with.

    Yeah, life does go on regardless. Keep moving.

  3. Hey, I don't think it is going to be easy to convince her about yourself if her mind is already fixed. You don't have to force her either but at least she knows, you told her, it's in her mind.
    I've heard of stories of trans parents not wanting to accept the change of their daughters and sons but they love them regardless and still call them by their very own names they gave them. I think she loves you and is scared for you that's why she is afraid, what you need to do is convince her that you are okay and will be, okay. There is no need for her to be scared.

    Maybe you need to right her a letter.

  4. All this is news to me. Makes me feel bad that I wasn't following as closely as I should.:(...sorry

  5. @ GLBT Linkup: Nothing less from me, you know :) Thanks for looking out.

    @ the gayte-keeper: And to imagine, my mother seems to have turned a 180 on me. My family has always been very close, and I think a huge part of why I felt comfortable telling them is that I never really expected them to disown me. My mother's reaction was quite shocking to me- how naive I can be sometimes. But alas, I am still her baby, and she is better now. In her words, she has placed whatever moral issues there might be into god's hands, and she is now well.

    @ frometomi: Yea, my mother never really cultivated an independence of thought. She always has to bounce ideas of people. And when she's upset, or perturbed, everibadi afi nuo. They ask her what's wrong, and she spills. Life does go on though, and I know now that she knows this too.

    @ Haute Haiku: You know, I think you were right that mmy safety was one of her biggest concerns. Her fear is more than legitimate, because it seems like we only hear about gay people in Jamaica when they have been murdered. It must be hard to separate a gay identity from that fate. I have assured her that I am doing my best to stay safe though. I've talked to her extensively since I wrote the original post, and she is much better now. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

    @ Dave: No worries man. Things happened so fast, and I didn't really volunteer much information. I had to swallow everything first.

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