Thursday, September 10, 2009

Coming Out to My Mother

Coming out is never easy. I think we can all agree with this statement, no matter our personal experiences. I knew I had to tell my mother before I left Jamaica, but I was growing scared that this might never happen. We watched gay-themed movies; we had discussions about gender, and sexuality; I told her of my gay friends, but I couldn't say three simple words: I am gay.

Yesterday, I did it. She went silent, perfectly on cue. It didn't help that I said the words most bluntly, in a matter of fact tone (as I've said before, people deal with the news a lot better when you sound sorry for yourself, concede that what you are doing is wrong/immoral, and that you want to change). For the rest of the evening her brows remained knitted, concern etched into her face. "I want to talk about this," I said to her, but she wasn't ready. Today, I pushed her to tell me how she felt. Though I am familiar with all the concerns she raised, it was still hard to hear them from her. I keep forgetting I do not have the luxury of living in a country where gay issues are pertinent, and where parents are sensitive to the issues that their gay children face. I was caught off-guard.

God. Sin. Anal Sex. Blood. Gender Incompatibility. Childhood. Effeminacy. Nature v Nurture. Love. Fear. Disbelief. Shock. Tears.

She couldn't sleep last night, and probably wont tonight either.

Sometimes in life it is much easier to leave things unsaid. Today, I chose the difficult alternative, and said things my mother would rather not hear, despite her suspicions. I'm not sure how things will progress from here, but I believe her when she tells me that she doesn't love me any less. Perhaps now she is just torn between her loyalty to me, her son, and her pastor who tells her to rid her life of sin. I am sin walking, I suppose.

~*~*~

*Knowing how deeply immoral homosexuality is, I should never have chosen that lifestyle for myself.

This is the same woman whose sons have had multiple children out of wedlock, with multiple women. They have collectively screwed half the women in my Parish. I doubt she ever chided them for choosing an immoral lifestyle. But oh, fornication is not sinful.

*I made her feel bad about the event with her Bishop, where I was fondled. Luckily the ordeal was lessened by the prayers and bible scriptures he chanted simultaneously. She would be so embarrassed now, if she had ever confronted her Bishop.

Okay. So heterosexual people who are raped shouldn't get redress, because they are supposed to enjoy heterosexual sex? The man put his filthy hands on me!!! Whether I am gay or fucking straight, my mother should be furious!

* She is not condemning me, I am reassured. That is very comforting to me, having just gone through all the reasons why homosexuality is bad.

Forget that I have to live with the fact that "my choice" is the bane of the entire developing/ religious world's existence. Being a gay Jamaican is nice and dandy. I am so thankful that my mother is stopping just short of kicking me out.

I agree she is ignorant, but I would rather she try to understand, rather than recycle all the misinformed, homophobic garb that I have heard time and time again.

*Sodom and Gomorra? Really?!

I don't give a fuck at this point. I told the truth. Perhaps she would rather live in Utopia, where all her children are heterosexual, and are busy populating the earth with their many babies.

She wants to put her hands to her head and holler out, crying. Okay.

I'm being very insensitive here, but didn't she say she always surmised? It seems to me that her reaction should be, "what took you so long," as opposed to one of outrage. The Gleaner article on the characteristics of a gay teenager were very explicit, she says, and everyone in the house read and confirmed that I fit the bill perfectly. I sent her blood pressure skyrocketing. My apologies. There isn't really a good way to tell you I'm gay.

She used an interesting analogy to explain her reaction.

You know when you know you are sick, but you try to convince yourself you are fine... and then after a while the doctor makes a damning prognosis that you don't want to hear: You have cancer, and but a few months left to live.

I'm not sure if the cancer is a pun for my malignant homosexuality.

I am angry. People are stupid. Instead of pulling people closer, they push them away. I don't fancy being regarded as a casualty of North American attitudes, and an imperfect son, because I know there is nothing wrong with me.

I am convinced that people can project negativity on you. I come to Jamaica and I morph in to this self-concious, fearful, self-hating version of myself. In the house now, I am battling a melange of feelings ranging from, resentment, to regret, to guilt and sorrow. I can't be surrounded by this.

Thankfully, I am just days from freedom.

~*~*~

When she returns she comes to the room with tears in her eyes. My sibling asks her what is wrong- if she is still troubled by what I told her.

Yes. She hasn't been able to sleep for the last few days. Every minute she thinks on it, and she breaks down crying. The way she is feeling now, she wished I never said anything. Then she said the words I never wanted to hear. It's the kind of stuff you hear in movies- the kind of thing that you know no gay child should ever hear: I do not now, and will never accept that you are gay.

*"What of every man, like you, decided to be this way (she can't quite say the word gay/ battyman), what would happen to humanity?"

Ammm, ok. People tend to ask this a lot. That statement is based on the premise that people can "turn" gay. This is simply not so. Homosexuals have always existed, and if they never undermined population growth before, they surely wont now. Everyone wont "turn" gay. The majority of people are predisposed (for whatever host of reasons) to be heterosexual.

My sibling tried to respond to her ridiculous question (I'm being harsh, yes, but I really do hold my mom to higher intellectual standards), and by this time I was so frustrated that I flew past her and ran out of the house. According to her, nothing I say or do will justify my "behaviour", so I saved my breath.

~*~*~

I watched the film Boys Don't Cry with my mom a few months ago, so we could have some serious conversation about gender, and sexuality. That obviously didn't work too well, because now she swears that I want to be a girl. "He doesn't walk like a boy", she says to my sister. "And look at the way he dances!" Okay. I have a penis, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I am ultra-masculine, and it doesn't mean that I like girls. There are variations of human gender identity and sexuality. I thought watching and discussing the key issues in the film would make that clear, and I thought she understood, but I guess everything changes when the subject of such discussions is your own child- well, apparently.

Anyway, I still tried to reach out to her before I left the island. The day before I left, I begged her to watch the film For The Bible Tells Me So. We started watching, and then she fell asleep. I woke her up, but in another minute, her eyes were closed. I grew so frustrated. I'm trying to make this woman understand me, even if from a perspective, which affirms some of her own biases (some of the families still think homosexuality is morally reprehensible), but she wouldn't even try. When she woke up after I walked away, she ended up staying up for the entire night. I guess she wasn't that tired.

The next morning, as I packed to leave, she asked if I could leave her a did of the documentary. I couldn't.

So I left the island, with a huge unresolved issue behind, but I am very glad the big secret is out. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

I'm sure she will come around eventually. I'm sure she doesn't mean it when she says, "If I wasn't a Christian, I would beat you with a broom-stick and kick you out of my house." After all, I am still her baby.

37 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry about this. Truly. I don't even know what else to say. I just hope you and your mom reconcile at a later time. Maybe space is good for both of you right now.

    ReplyDelete
  2. She will come around eventually...give it time

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your mother's unconditional love for you will over come this obstacle. If she loves you, which I know she does, she will accept you for who you are. Coming out can be hard, and I have yet gained the courage to do so myself.
    As someone said early, just give her some time to rationalize what had happen.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good going.

    The burden of hiding something that is a part of you is heavier than dealing with the trials of taking your loved ones through the forest of homophobia, religious ideals and denial.

    She may or may not "come around" but you know that she loves you regardless and respects (or will fully come to) you for the person that you are.

    ReplyDelete
  5. @ Nik: I should have responded to you from such a long time ago, because look now just how much has changed. I really appreciate you thoughts though. I was certainly assured that I was not alone in this, because you were able to empathize with me. It has certainly always helped that I no longer live with my parents. I don't think thinks would have been resolves quickly as they have, if I was constantly in her presence.

    @ the gayte-keeper: Isn't that the truth. I'm more than willing to give her room to come to terms with everything though. I mailed her a copy of For The Bible Tells Me So, and she is quite excited to watch it now.

    @ seekdiansa: Thanks for the support bro. I too believe that love conquers all. You will one day discover this too, when you find the strength to share your truth with the world.

    @ frometomi: Mi se a mi wan nuo how mi feel light these days. It's so nice to to walk around without the burden of secrecy about my sexuality. As a matter of fact, I think I'm closer to my parents and my siblings now than I ever was before, because I have been very reserved around them over the last three years. I'm glad I got it out of my system.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hmm it looks like your site ate my first comment (it was extremely
    long) so I guess I'll just sum it up what I had written and say, I'm thoroughly enjoying your blog.
    I too am an aspiring blog blogger but I'm still new to the whole thing. Do you have any recommendations for newbie blog writers? I'd
    really appreciate it.
    Look into my blog ... diets that work

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hello my loved one! I want to say that this post is
    amazing, nice written and come with approximately all vital infos.

    I would like to peer more posts like this
    .
    Feel free to surf my page diet that works

    ReplyDelete
  8. I all the time used to study piece of writing in news papers but now as I am
    a user of net thus from now I am using net for content, thanks to web.
    my site > diet plans that work

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hello There. I found your blog using msn. This is an extremely well
    written article. I will make sure to bookmark it and come back to
    read more of your useful info. Thanks for the post. I will certainly return.
    Take a look at my weblog : diets that work

    ReplyDelete
  10. You need to be a part of a contest for one of the highest quality blogs online.

    I'm going to highly recommend this site!

    Have a look at my weblog - Windows Registry Cleaner

    ReplyDelete
  11. Link exchange is nothing else except it is only placing the other person's webpage link on your page at suitable place and other person will also do same in support of you.

    Feel free to visit my blog post ... microsoft registry cleaner

    ReplyDelete
  12. I’m not that much of a internet reader to be
    honest but your blogs really nice, keep it up! I'll go ahead and bookmark your site to come back down the road. All the best

    Have a look at my site ... diet plans
    my web site: Best Diet Plan

    ReplyDelete
  13. Helpful info. Lucky me I discovered your web site accidentally, and
    I am surprised why this twist of fate did not took place earlier!
    I bookmarked it.

    Visit my weblog - diet that works
    Also see my web page - diets that work fast

    ReplyDelete
  14. I believe that is one of the such a lot vital information for
    me. And i am satisfied studying your article. However wanna observation on few common issues, The web
    site style is perfect, the articles is truly great : D.
    Excellent task, cheers

    Look into my website :: bankruptcy in florida

    ReplyDelete
  15. I used to be recommended this website via my cousin. I'm not sure whether or not this put up is written via him as nobody else recognise such unique about my trouble. You're incredible!
    Thank you!

    Here is my web page: diets that work

    ReplyDelete
  16. Tremendous issues here. I am very happy to look your article.
    Thank you so much and I'm taking a look ahead to touch you. Will you kindly drop me a mail?

    Review my webpage ... http://oldfucksyoung.org/index.php?own=2130888

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hi friends, its great post regarding tutoringand completely explained, keep
    it up all the time.

    My page ... activity calorie calculator
    my web page :: calories walking

    ReplyDelete
  18. Woah! I'm really loving the template/theme of this blog. It's simple,
    yet effective. A lot of times it's tough to get that "perfect balance" between usability and visual appearance. I must say you have done a amazing job with this. Also, the blog loads extremely quick for me on Internet explorer. Outstanding Blog!

    My homepage: calories burned calculator
    my web page :: calorie burn calculator

    ReplyDelete
  19. My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find nearly all of your
    post's to be exactly what I'm looking for. Does one offer guest
    writers to write content in your case? I wouldn't mind producing a post or elaborating on a few of the subjects you write related to here. Again, awesome weblog!

    Here is my blog post: airplane games

    ReplyDelete
  20. It's going to be ending of mine day, except before end I am reading this great post to improve my experience.

    Also visit my weblog; airplane simulator game
    my webpage > Airplane Games

    ReplyDelete
  21. Good article. I will be facing many of these issues as well.
    .

    Look into my site: http://www.champs4life.org/index.php?Itemid=37%7cheaps&option=com_easygb

    ReplyDelete
  22. What's up Dear, are you in fact visiting this web site regularly, if so after that you will without doubt take good know-how.

    Look at my blog post; bankruptcy florida

    ReplyDelete
  23. This piece of writing will help the internet users for creating new
    blog or even a blog from start to end.

    Review my web site; bankruptcy laws in florida
    Also see my web site - bankruptcy in Florida

    ReplyDelete
  24. My brother recommended I may like this blog. He was totally right.

    This submit actually made my day. You can not consider just how so much time I had spent for this information!
    Thank you!

    My web site ... diets that work fast

    ReplyDelete
  25. Fine way of telling, and nice piece of writing to get data on the topic of my presentation topic, which i am
    going to deliver in school.

    Also visit my web-site; diets that work fast

    ReplyDelete
  26. Greetings! I've been following your web site for some time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Houston Texas! Just wanted to say keep up the good job!

    My web-site - bmi calculator for women

    ReplyDelete
  27. Good day! Would you mind if I share your blog with my twitter group?
    There's a lot of folks that I think would really appreciate your content. Please let me know. Cheers

    Also visit my website :: diet plans that work
    My web site - diets that work fast for women

    ReplyDelete
  28. It's awesome in support of me to have a web page, which is good designed for my experience. thanks admin

    my page; Watch this teenage woman describe her profession as a chat host

    ReplyDelete
  29. Ahaa, its pleasant discussion regarding this post
    here at this blog, I have read all that, so now me also commenting at this place.


    My web page; in porn Reviews

    ReplyDelete
  30. fantastic publish, very informative. I ponder why the other experts of
    this sector don't notice this. You must proceed your writing. I am sure, you have a great readers' base already!



    my web page: quantim

    ReplyDelete
  31. Appreciating the commitment you put into your blog and in depth
    information you present. It's nice to come across a blog every once in a while that isn't the same unwanted rehashed
    material. Great read! I've bookmarked your site and I'm including your
    RSS feeds to my Google account.

    Here is my web site :: where to buy quantrim

    ReplyDelete
  32. Hi there to every body, it's my first go to see of this webpage; this website consists of remarkable and actually good data for visitors.

    Have a look at my weblog ... more

    ReplyDelete
  33. WOW just what I was searching for. Came here by searching for grow

    Here is my website :: airplane simulation games

    ReplyDelete
  34. I'm extremely impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your weblog. Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself? Either way keep up the nice quality writing, it is rare to see a nice blog like this one today.

    my site; more

    ReplyDelete
  35. I tend not to leave a bunch of responses, however after browsing a few of the responses on this page "Coming Out to My Mother".

    I actually do have a couple of questions for you if you tend not to mind.
    Could it be only me or does it seem like a few of the comments appear as if they are left by brain dead individuals?
    :-P And, if you are posting on other online sites, I'd like to follow you. Would you list of every one of all your public sites like your linkedin profile, Facebook page or twitter feed?

    Take a look at my web-site ... More Vintage Videos

    ReplyDelete
  36. Hi! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any trouble with hackers?
    My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing several weeks
    of hard work due to no back up. Do you have any solutions to protect against hackers?


    my blog post ... resting metabolic rate calculator

    ReplyDelete
  37. After looking at a few of the blog posts on your web site, I honestly
    like your technique of blogging. I book-marked it to my bookmark site list and will be checking back in the
    near future. Please visit my web site too and let me know what you think.


    Here is my web blog ... bmi chart for women

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.